An excessive amount of corned beef and cabbage

March 17, 2006 01:27:07 MST St. Patrick's Day

BW slept soundly under her coverlet, the white noise from her air cleaner masking the otherwise dead silence of her bedroom, save the ladylike snores and the Tourette's profanity that blurted forth from her mouth from time to time. For several nights she had been having trouble sleeping-- but not tonight. At 21:07:36 on March 16 she took an Ambien sleeping pill with her sour milk and sugar-free Twinkie. Half the twinkie and most of the milk were left on her bedside table.

March 17, 2006 02:37:16 MST

"F'ing bitch!" BW barked as she sat up in bed, sweat pouring from her weathered brow. "Julie! Get the hell outta my corned beef!" After 30 seconds she fell backward onto her pillow.

March 17, 2006 03:13:27 MST

"It's mine! Leave it alone! Julie! Get the hell outta my cooked cabbage!"
BW sat up in bed again, this time with an intensity great enough to throw one of her feet out of bed. She stood up, slid her foot into her K-Mart slipper and shuffled to the kitchen. She ran into the countertop and then, robotlike, she opened her refrigerator. The smell of cooked cabbage wafted over her. Five pounds of cabbage and a three-pound corned beef brisket were in her refrigerator, safe from Julie. She started to close the refrigerator door, but suddenly, she was overtaken by a craving to binge on the brisket, which she removed from the refrigerator with one hand while grabbing the ketchup with the other. She gorged on brisket for 15 minutes until nothing was left but the brown strings. She left them in the middle of her cabinet and went back to bed, her garlicky mouth screaming for floss. She fell back asleep.

March 17, 2006 07:26:44 MST

"Oh my gawd!" BW exclaimed upon seeing herself in the mirror. "What happened last night?" She ran to the kitchen and saw the results of her midnight binge-- something she couldn't even remember doing. Instantly she ignored the evidence-- the shreds of brisket in her teeth, the foul garlic breath and the smudges of dried juices on her pillow and face. "Julie has been here," she grumbled, confusing her dream with reality. "She ate my brisket. Now I'll eat hers!"

Lousy translations

수요일, 이야기 3 월01일 의2006슬픈BLW's차가Cacapasa, 오클라호마의이상으로 3 마일을 부서버린 어두운 폭풍우 밤 이었다. 그녀는 그녀의 차, 더가 세계안에... 잘못될 수 있은 것을 경이하는 불평안에 앉았다 멀리의 그 사이에,5700마일은 그의 고문관과 격렬한 논쟁안에, 폴란드인 대통령 있었다. 플루토늄의 몇 천 파운드에는 간 놓치기 있고 6개의 정부 히g허r-XX은 원인 불명 이었다. 상황은 심각했다. 더 나빴던 무엇이, 체르노빌 우크라이나 피해자에게서18높게 방사성 발판 견본은 키에프안에 대사관 사무국에서 전날에 훔쳤었다. "얻으십시요 나에게 전화에 미국 대통령을!" 폴란드인 대통령은 기침해, 테이블에 그의 주먹을 꽝 닫는. "누구는 더러운 폭탄을 건축한것을 해보고 있다!"

Woensdag, 01 Maart, het Droevige Verhaal van 2006 was het een donkere en stormachtige nacht toen de auto van BLW drie mijlen buiten Cacapasa, Oklahoma opsplitste. Zij zat in haar auto, gebrom, dat welke meer benieuwd is in de wereld verkeerd konden gaan... Ondertussen, waren 5700 mijlen weg, de Poolse voorzitter in een verwarmde bespreking met zijn adviseurs. Verscheidene duizend ponden plutonium waren het missen gegaan en zes overheid hoog-UPS was unaccounted voor. De situatie was ernstig. Wat slechter was, was 18 hoogst radioactieve kruksteekproeven van de Oekraïense slachtoffers van Tchernobyl gestolen de dag voordien van chancellery in Kiev. "Krijg me de President van de Verenigde Staten op de telefoon!" de Poolse voorzitter hoestte, dichtslaand zijn vuist op de lijst. "Iemand probeert om een vuile bom te bouwen!"

Natal Atrasado 2005 Da Letra Do Natal

Caros família e amigos, Um outro ano passou assim rapidamente e há assim muito a começar travado acima sobre. Em janeiro, a tia Madge foi diagnosticada com cancer de pulmão. Fumou seu último bloco o dia onde morreu. Nós doamo-la roupa ao armazém do smoker. Nós tivemo-la cremated e suas cinzas dispersadas em um ceremony encantador no tabaco enfileiram. Arthur, nosso filho mais velho, decidiu-se dar acima em mulheres. E seu sócio estão fazendo bem com seu negócio sewing do jogo. É demasiado mau que nosso somente filho se decidiu não passar sobre o nome de família, mas nós compreendemos. Marcia e seu marido, Dennis alcançaram seu 50s mas aprecíam ainda o diário do marijuana. Dennis era deixou vai de seu trabalho na cozinha da sopa em março. Não encontrou um trabalho contudo mas está olhando em torno de duramente. Nós todos desejamos-lhe o mais melhor em sua busca. Nancy está comemorando seu 2ö ano do alcohism este ano. Nós tivemos um partido grande da surpresa para ela em seu aniversário -- pizza e cerveja. Era uma surpresa real, demasiado, quando veio para casa do dialysis e encontrou sua casa cheia dos revelers. Os blessings da estação sejam com você todo,

O Abendessens

Sad Story

It was a dark and stormy night when BLW's car broke down three miles outside of Cacapasa, Oklahoma. She sat in her car, grumbling, wondering what more could go wrong in the world...
>
> Meanwhile, 5700 miles away, the Polish president was in a heated discussion with his advisors. Several thousand pounds of plutonium had gone missing and six government higher-ups were unaccounted for. The situation was serious. What was worse, 18 highly radioactive stool samples from Ukrainian Chernobyl victims had been stolen the day before from the chancellery in Kiev.
>
> "Get me the President of the United States on the phone!" the Polish president coughed, slamming his fist on the table. "Someone is trying to build a dirty bomb!"

Late Christmas Letter

Christmas 2005
>
> Dear Family and Friends,
>
> Another year has passed so quickly and there's so much to get caught up on. In January, Aunt Madge was diagnosed with lung cancer. She smoked her last pack the day she died. We donated her clothes to Smoker's Warehouse. We had her cremated and her ashes scattered in a lovely ceremony on Tobacco Row.
>
> Arthur, our eldest son, has decided to give up on women. He and his partner are doing well with their sewing kit business. It's too bad that our only son has decided not to pass on the family name, but we understand.
>
> Marcia and her husband, Dennis have reached their 50s but still enjoy marijuana daily. Dennis was let go from his job at the soup kitchen in March. He hasn't found a job yet but is looking around hard. We all wish him the best in his search.
>
> Nancy is celebrating her 25th year of alcohism this year. We had a big surprise party for her on her birthday-- pizza and beer. It was a real surprise, too, when she came home from dialysis and found her house full of revelers.
>
> The blessings of the season be with you all,
>
> The Abendessens